


It's Not You, It's Me

by Fairheads, Liz_87



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:15:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26496253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fairheads/pseuds/Fairheads, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liz_87/pseuds/Liz_87
Summary: When things start to go wrong in the bedroom Charlie and Duffy each blames themselves but could the cause be something neither has considered..? Set during series 32.
Relationships: Lisa "Duffy" Duffin/Charlie Fairhead
Kudos: 3





	It's Not You, It's Me

"Its ok, it happens sometimes." Duffy offered in an attempt to reassure Charlie as she propped herself up on her elbow in their bed. "Its been a tiring week afterall..." She added.

“I’m so sorry...” He whispered, completely mortified - this had never happened before. He pulled the covers over himself and lay there looking at the ceiling. He didn’t even feel particularly tired.

"We can just cuddle..?"

He nodded, his face still bright red. He knew how much she’d been looking forward to tonight and he felt awful it had turned out like this.

"Would you like a back rub?"

“I feel like I should be giving you one...” He felt guilty, he wasn’t able to give her what she wanted.

"How about we take it in turns?"

He nodded, “Okay.”

"Roll over then..."

Charlie rolled onto his stomach, and tried to relax.

"So tense..!" She mumbled as she worked her hands across his shoulders.

His mind was now whirring and he was struggling to relax into her touch.

She rubbed herself against his back as she continued to massage his shoulders.

He moved his hands along her legs that were either side of his back.

"You like that?" She whispered.

“Mmm” He sighed softly, trying really hard to relax.

"Feels like we've hardly had any time together this week."

“I know, we’ve been like ships passing in the night!” He commented.

"Crazy seeing as how we live and work together..!"

“I’ve been looking forward to spending time with you tonight...” He whispered.

"Its been nice not to have to share my husband with the sick and injured of Holby..!" She giggled.

“Your turn...” He smiled.

She shifted to lie on the bed next to him, stretching out and sighing contentedly.

He ran his hands over her back, massaging her skin.

"Mmm... Yes! Just there..!" She moaned softly as he pressed on a particular spot on her lower back.

He smiled, she was always so responsive to his touch and he loved it. He focused on massaging that area for a while, before moving his hands lower to squeeze her bum and run his hands over her thighs.

As he reached her thighs her legs parted slightly.

Charlie ran his fingers over her, he wasn’t surprised to find she was really turned on, she’d said as much before he had his ‘issue’.

She moaned softly.

He slipped two fingers inside and rubbed her clit with his thumb. This was something he could give her tonight.

"Mmm..! Yes..!"

He carried on, watching her grip the headboard with her hand.

Her breathing grew heavier.

He bent down to kiss across her lower back, as his fingers massaged her.

"So good..." She whispered.

She shifted slightly so he could gain better access and his fingers curled inside her, caressing her towards orgasm.

Despite being muffled by the pillow her moans were still pretty loud.

Her body shuddered around him, as she came.

After a few moments she lifted her head and looked at him over her shoulder. "Fuck I needed that!" She giggled, still slightly breathless.

“Glad I could help!” He chuckled, kissing the back of her neck as she lay her head back down.

She rolled over to face him, running her hands down his chest, passion filling her eyes.

He lay down next to her, kissing her with longing.

They continued to kiss as she slid her hands down his stomach.

Charlie had hoped pleasuring her would have helped his situation, it normally did, but tonight as much as he wanted her, nothing was working.

She ran her fingers over him, trying every trick she knew of.

He shook his head at her and looked down.

She sighed sadly and moved to lie down next to him.

He wrapped his arms around her, spooning her. Kissing her on her neck, he whispered sadly, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why... I love you.”

"Do I not do it for you anymore..?" She asked, her voice soft and sad sounding.

“Oh no, Duffy, you do!” He tried to convince her but it was futile.

"Hmm..." She replied, unconvinced and distracted by ideas for how she could improve the situation.

“Please believe me...” He whispered, kissing her neck again.

Try as he might to convince her that it wasn't her fault she became more convinced it was when the same thing happened two more times later that week.

The more it happened the more she seemed to pull away, becoming increasingly preoccupied.

One evening he found her standing in the kitchen staring out of the window. “Hey” He spoke.

She let out a little startled squeal.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” He walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind.

She shifted slightly but it was clear to feel that she'd lost some weight.

“Duffy?” She still hadn’t responded.

"Hmm?" She shook herself slightly, seemingly in a daze.

“You okay? You’ve been staring out of the window since we got home.”

"Just thinking of overhauling the garden."

“Oh, okay, what do you think we should do?”

"Maybe some roses up the fence..?"

“Sounds lovely,” He smiled.

"Thought it would make it nice for sitting out there with a book." She shrugged.

“That sounds lovely, maybe I could make a wooden bench? And we could get some cushions?” He suggested softly, he would do anything to cheer her up.

"And when exactly do you think you'll find the time to do that?" She asked, her tone a tad bitter.

He noticed the tone in her voice, it was creeping in more and more as the week went on. “I could try at the weekend?” He offered softly.

"In the middle of the night when I'm at work?" She retorted, rolling her eyes.

“No... I have Friday...” He tried.

"Lucky you!" Her tone dripped with sarcasm.

He stepped back, unsure where her venom was coming from. “Are you hungry? I could make us some tea, if you wanted to have a bath or something?”

"I'm not hungry." She replied, moving to leave the kitchen and sit down on the sofa.

Charlie gave her some time and meanwhile, made some food for them both.

When he placed the meal down in front of her she picked at it, pushing most of it around the plate.

“You okay?” He asked, noticing her reluctance.

"I told you I wasn't hungry." She snapped.

“Sorry, I just thought you didn’t have any time for lunch today, so maybe you would be when it was cooked...”

"How do you know what I had for lunch?"

“I don’t think you had a break did you? The breach birth, in resus, you were needed during that time so I didn’t think you had time?”

"You're checking up on me now?"

“No, I...” He didn’t know what else to say. “I just thought you might be hungry, but it’s okay.” He carried his empty and her full plate into the kitchen.

By the time he'd come back she'd turned the TV on and didn't even look up as he sat down.

He placed his hand next to hers on the sofa.

She sighed softly.

She hadn’t pulled away, so he put his hand on top of hers tentatively.

Normally she would have turned her hand over and laced her fingers through his but instead her hand remained motionless, the small stones of her engagement ring pressing against the pad of his finger.

He moved his thumb over the back of her hand gently. They were both staring at the television but neither of them were watching it, their minds elsewhere.

After a few minutes of awkward silence Duffy pushed herself up from the sofa. "I'm going to run a bath."

“Okay love.” He smiled weakly, rubbing his neck.

"Don't forget to do the washing up." She replied as she headed upstairs.

“I won’t.” He sighed, she seemed so distant. After hearing her run her bath, he went into the kitchen to wash up.

His mind was distracted though as he contemplated what could have caused her mood lately. All he kept coming back to, was his unsuccessful attempts at love making. He had never had any troubles with it in the past and he was so embarrassed by it, he had taken to just avoiding it altogether. Pausing in the washing up he found himself staring out the same window he'd found his wife staring out of earlier. He attempted to figure out what could be causing the issue. He didn’t feel particularly tired, or stressed. He was still very in love and attracted to Duffy. Try as he might he just couldn't seem to perform when he wanted to. Or at all for that matter. God knows he'd tried..!

He was becoming increasingly concerned about the effect this was having on Duffy, she seemed convinced he’d gone off her and he didn’t seem able to reassure her otherwise. He hadn't been checking up on her like she'd accused him of but when he'd spotted her phone lying unlocked on the side the previous day he couldn't help but notice that she'd been looking at articles on weight loss and tricks for looking younger. It had broken his heart and now she hadn’t eaten all day. He knew that if he tried talking to her about it that she would become defensive even though it was obvious to see that her already slender figure was shrinking rapidly before his eyes.

Charlie was at a loss what to do for the best, but after finishing the washing up, he went upstairs.

She'd gotten out of the bath and fallen asleep wrapped in a towel on top of the duvet.

“Darling?” He whispered. “Let me put you to bed.”

She didn't even stir. She'd been running on empty for a number of days and had finally crashed hard, her body crying out for a break from the stresses she was placing on it with long hours working on little or no sustinence.

He began to move her, but as he did, her towel fell away, revealing how skinny she had become over the last few weeks. Charlie inhaled sharply and found tears springing to his eyes, this was all his fault.

After tucking her up in the duvet, fearful that she would get cold, he sat with his head in his hands. He'd seen her run herself into the ground like this in the past and it knotted him up inside to be the cause of her pain and anguish.

He got into bed himself. In her sleep, she had forgotten what was bothering her and she curled instinctively into him.

He stroked her hair and placed a kiss on her forehead. He allowed his thoughts to wander, conjuring up a variety of salacious mental images of his wife.

He still felt the same desire for her, but it was like the physical reaction he so desperately wanted had been severed.

He sighed with frustration.

Falling into a troubled sleep, he was woken when she got up early to get ready for her last day shift before switching later in the week to nights.

She caught him looking at her in the reflection of the mirror on the dressing table as she applied her make up.

“Duffy...” He whispered.

"Hmm..?"

“You know I think you’re beautiful, right?”

"So you say..."

“It’s true.” He sighed. “I don’t want you to think you need to change.”

"Hmm..." She didn't sound convinced.

“I love you, nothing’s changed.”

After finishing her make up she quickly braided her hair and stood up. "I need to get to work."

He sat up and reached his hand out to her.

She stepped closer, allowing him to take hold of her hand.

He squeezed it. “Please don’t forget I love you.”

"I guess that's something." She sighed.

“It’s more than something. It’s everything.” He looked up at her anxiously. He felt like he was losing everything.

"You love me but you don't fancy me anymore. I guess it's too much to expect both at my age." She sighed sadly.

He sat up, “I do! I do fancy you! There’s no one else that makes me feel like you do.”

"OK. I need to go to work."

She left the room and Charlie punched the bed in frustration, tears springing to his eyes.

This pattern of behaviour continued for several more weeks before it finally came to a head whilst they were on a rare shift together.

Charlie had been sat in his office, when Duffy came in.

Walking past him she reached up to take a large book down from within the cupboard and dropped it onto the desk in front of him with a bang.

Charlie looked up at her confused, he had been trying to concentrate.

"You're so insistent that it's not me that's the problem..." She opened the medical dictionary in front of them.

Charlie rubbed his head, “Please can we talk about this later?”

"Its this or I drag Dylan in here..."

“Duffy...”

"Charlie..."

He went to lock the door, “I still want you.”

"Which means something must be medically wrong." She replied, perching on the edge of the desk, flicking through the pages.

He slumped to the floor, his arms wrapped around his knees. Tears of frustration and fear rolled down his face.

"This has gone on for too long and it's tearing us apart." She whispered.

He nodded, “Duffy, I’ve tried and tried and now it’s just sore. And you don’t believe me... I still want you just as much... It just doesn’t work anymore.” He cried.

"Oh Charlie... I really think you should see a doctor. Who's to say it isn't something that can be fixed..?"

“It won’t fucking work Duffy, it’s completely broken. And if you want to find someone else who isn’t... I understand.” He put his head on his hands, wrapping himself into a ball.

"You really think that little of me?!" She shot back, yanking the door open and slamming it closed behind her as she stormed off.

That just made him sob even more, he had reached a new low. 

Pulling himself together, he finished his shift. She was already gone by the time he went to look for her. On his way home, he stopped at the garden centre to get some of the roses she had mentioned weeks ago. He had secretly started working on the bench when she was at work and it was now finished in the shed.

When he walked into the house she wasn't downstairs. There was a note on the kitchen table. There were details of an appointment for the next day along with a couple of lines saying that she had gone to visit Peter and wouldn't be back til he'd stopped sticking his head in the sand.

He tried to call her, but there was no answer. So he spent the evening planting the roses and moving the bench into its new spot. Before he went to bed, he messaged her: 

‘Please come home. I miss you. Love C xx’

He was surprised to get a reply -

'See the doctor and I will. This can't go on - it's no good for either of us. Xxx'

‘Okay, I’ll go tomorrow. I’m so sorry. Love you xxx’ He replied, feeling very alone in their bed without her.

'I love you too. I just want you to be OK. Xxx'

‘See you tomorrow or the next day? Xxx’

'If you've been to the doctor I'll be home for dinner tomorrow. Xx'

‘I promise I’ll go. Night sweetheart xxx’

It was with great apprehension that Charlie arrived at the clinic the next morning. He had never been more embarrassed in his whole life. By the time they called his name, his hands were shaking.

"Its going to be OK." A familiar voice whispered behind him.

Charlie turned around, his eyes filling up. “You came...”

She smiled, pulling him into a hug.

“So good to see you.” He whispered, wrapping his arms around her. “They called my name.” He explained motioning down the corridor to where he needed to go.

She took hold of his hand as they walked towards the doctor's office.

Once inside, they sat down. Charlie took a few deep breaths, terrified to be discussing his malfunctioning manhood with a stranger.

"So what appears to be the issue?" The doctor asked after several moments of awkward silence had passed.

“Err.. I seem to be having some issues in the bedroom. I can’t get... Ready for the event.”

"Are you able to get but not maintain an erection or are you unable to get one in the first place?" The doctor asked with the same calm manner as though he was discussing a broken toe.

“I can’t get one. It’s been about a month now.” Charlie cringed.

"OK. Is there anything you can think of that might have happened around that time that could have caused such problems?"

“There’s nothing that I can think of, Duffy’s been convinced it’s her, but it’s not. I still fancy her as much as the day I met her.”

"Hmm..." The doctor flicked through Charlie's medical file on his computer. "Have you had any issues with your medications?"

“Not that I know of... Could it be that?” Charlie was desperate for a solution.

"Well you're on medication for your heart and it has been known to affect male arousal as the medication acts on the blood."

“I have been on that for a couple of months now. Can it take that long for it to have that effect?”

"It can do, every individual is different. That's the only difference I can see in the last six months that might explain it. We could look at altering your medication and see if that makes a difference?"

“I didn’t seem to have any problems on the previous one. It’s got to be worth a shot?” He turned to Duffy.

She nodded, smiling softly.

"Was there a particular reason the change was made to this medication?" The doctor asked.

“I don’t think so, just a new one? Cheaper for you guys perhaps?”

"OK, well, I just need to run a few tests and if they come back fine then I see no reason not to switch you back."

“Thank you. Is there anything you can suggest in the mean time..?”

"Relax and try not to stress."

Charlie smiled, “I’ll try. Can you please tell her, that it’s not her, she won’t believe me.” Charlie motioned to Duffy.

"Its not you." The doctor stated.

“Thank you.”

"I need to take your blood pressure and pulse."

Charlie moved to the bed, as the doctor took the measurements. He looked over at Duffy.

She smiled softly at him. She hated the fact that she'd had to behave so dramatically but it had had the desired effect.

Charlie mouthed ‘thank you’ to her, as the doctor took off his blood pressure cuff.

The doctor studied the values and Charlie's medical notes for a few moments before printing a prescription off which he handed to Charlie. "You can swap them straight over. It may take a couple of weeks before you feel any stirrings. If nothing has changed by four weeks time come back and see me and we'll investigate further."

“Thank you.” Charlie and Duffy stood up and left the Doctor’s office.

They headed over to his car, Charlie was a little bemused not to see her car in the car park.

"I got the bus so my car wouldn't tip you off."

Charlie smiled, “I appreciate you coming. Will you come home with me?” He asked tentatively.

"That was my plan."

“Do you want to pick up your car first?”

"Peter already dropped it home before he went to work."

“Okay.” Charlie smiled nervously and got into the car to drive home.

"Don't worry, he doesn't know what's going on."

“How did you explain last night?”

"I said that you were working and I felt lonely by myself."

“That’s partly true isn’t it..?” He pulled onto the drive.

"It does feel like we spend so little time together..."

“Can we try to change that?” He unlocked the house.

"I'd like that."

“Hold on... I have something I want to show you. Close your eyes.”

She raised her eyebrow at him before doing what he asked.

He held her hands, guiding her slowly through the kitchen. “Keep them closed!” He unlocked the back door and lead her out into the garden.

"Where are we going?"

“I made something for you...” He explained. “You can open your eyes now.”

She gasped as she opened her eyes, her gaze taking in the garden.

“I made you the bench and got your roses.” He took her hand and sat down with her on the bench.

"Oh Charlie..." Her eyes filled with tears.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be the man you married. I haven’t stopped loving you, not for a minute.”

"You are the man I married." 

A tear rolled down her cheek and he brushed it away with his thumb. “Please don’t starve yourself anymore, it’s not you, it’s my problem. I don’t want you to change. I just want to not be broken anymore.”

"I thought you'd gone off me."

He pulled her to him. “I kept telling you but you didn’t believe me, I still find you very sexy.” He ran his hands over her hips. “But there’s definitely less of you to love than there was a month ago and I hate that you felt you needed to do that.”

"I was trying my best to entice you into finding me attractive again."

“Baby, you don’t need to entice me, I never stopped finding you attractive. I know I can’t seem to... You know, but I can cuddle and do other stuff to make you smile.” He winked.

She snuggled up to him on the bench. "Did you really make this yourself?"

“Yeah, I was trying to show you.”

"That you're still a manly man?" She teased gently.

He nodded, “I haven’t really felt like one recently. I can’t even get it up.” He looked down, berating himself.

"And now we know why." She gently stroked his arm.

“I hope so...” He pulled her into a hug.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like it's the be all and end all of our marriage."

“I think we both just got a bit lost.”

"We did." She agreed. "I want us to spend more time together away from work."

“Me too, starting with tonight.”

"What did you have in mind?"

“Restaurant or take away, some quality time.”

"A take away. That way we don't have to go anywhere."

“Want to read your book out here with some wine, until it comes?”

"That sounds nice." She smiled.

He stood to go and retrieve both things for her.

It was a surprisingly short time before their food arrived and they settled back on the bench to eat it, a glass of wine each nestled in the grass, Duffy's book laying abandoned beside them.

The evening was perfect, the sun setting and the birds chirping, as they ate in silence.

"This is just perfect." Duffy whispered, her head resting on Charlie's shoulder.

They placed their empty plates on the grass and she snuggled into him.

"I love you." She smiled.

“I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to hear you say that.”

"We must never lose track of that ever again."

He nodded, “Thank you for coming today and for not giving up on me.”

"I'll never give up on you. Even when you're being a stubborn old fool!"

He kissed her tenderly. “Typical bloke hey...”

"I suppose I can't expect you to change the habits of a lifetime..!"

“I’m glad you try.” He grinned.

"We both need to learn to accept certain quirks about the other."

He nodded again, “It’s all a learning process.”

"It is and we'll do better if we learn together rather than apart."

“Deal.”

"Even after all these years of knowing each other its not as easy as we think. But it's more than worth the effort."

“It is. I just felt I was letting you down constantly.”

"I think we both made the mistake of thinking we could just fall into this and not have to put any effort it."

“Fresh start?”

"Fresh start." She nodded in agreement. "No more taking each other for granted and expecting the other to be a mind reader."

“Agreed!”

"Now I don't know about you but I'm exhausted after spending last night on the sofa so what do you say we head inside, get an early night and see what tomorrow brings?"

“That sounds perfect, I didn’t get much sleep either.” With his arms wrapped around her shoulders, they walked into the house together.


End file.
